Tuesday, December 8, 2015

#throwback series

Another week into the #tb series and today brings us one of my most successful series I've ever run on p&b...yup, you guessed it, it's a stroll back down my mishaps in online dating!

Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match...
was originally posted on 1.27.15
Here's another installment of Match.com emails and my responses that don't get sent. I just want to make it clear of what exactly I'm looking for, cause there are some people-ie; the guys below- that just don't get it. I am in the market for a guy who likes sports in the age range of 28-34 (okay, I'll go 26-36 if he's my soulmate) and is over 5'10...


Our first, second, third, & fourth email come from 'bakedpizza42o' age 27. He writes;

Jan 16th: "Why is it every older chick says no"
Jan 17th: "She said no"
Jan 18th: "If ur on here so much u should try me"
Jan 23rd: "Are we only left with each other"


My response would be something along the lines of;

"Hey there stonerboy. Here's a couple of tips for the next time you email an "older chick". 1-don't call her an "older chick" cause no one wants to be reminded of their age. 2-why not start the email off with something like, I don't know, maybe "Hey, I'm _____." 3-don't insult someone. You emailed me 3 days in a row with no response, maybe you're the one who is always on here. 4-please pull the camera way from your face on your next selfie. 5-we could be the last two people on earth and it still wouldn't happen. Lots of luck!"


Here's two emails from a 46 year old gentleman, that came within 2 minutes of each other;

"Hi like to take you out for a few drinks and dinner so let me no I am building 3 more new houses near *my town and can meet you where you like hope to hear from you Thank you."
"Sweet I would like to take you to dinner thanks."


Showed my dad this one, here's what he said:

"Give me a break." "What the hell is wrong with some people?" "Who does he think he is Carlos Santana??" You're 30, he's 46..."


This gem comes to you from 'all_u_erv_needed';

"Hello there, Merry Christmas I'm Chris, nice to meet you! I'm not from the area, but am in *town across the river for a few days am here fairly often and would like to do something fun! If you are interested in hanging out with a fun, interesting guy with no pressure, since I'll be going home in a few days, you should let me know ;) hopefully I'll hear from you soon!"


This response should come as no surprise..;

"Merry Christmas! Did you open the wrong app? Last I checked this isn't Tinder...but anyway, that's great that you are occasionally in the area and like fun stuff. Cause that's definitely why my manager/best friend paid $43 for me to have this membership. But anyway, you are pretty cute-I would've totally swiped left for you on the Tinder-if I had one, cause again, I am only looking for occasional fun with no pressure! Let me know if you're in the area for Easter, by then I may just want a 
random hookup ;)"

Are you my Match?

originally posted 1.20.15

In the middle of November, after getting disappeared on again by a certain magician, my friends had enough. baby tooth & MK sat me down for a talk-during a Rangers game- said "Kayla, enough is enough. Magician is never going to stay around for long and you deserve someone who wants to give you the time of day." And then proceed to rip apart his instagram pictures, "he uses too many hashtags." "why does it look like that?" "#guydancing ??" After crying off our mascara, they started to build me a Match.com profile. 

It was fun answering the questions and picking out the pictures. I don't actually think any of us thought anything would come from it, but we took a good hour or so to make what we decided is a profile that describes me perfectly. After that, it was up to me (& MK aka my manager) to weed thru the duds ranging in ages 28-34 and find the Princes. 

I've gone back and forth about sharing my online dating experience on here, but I receive way to many super funny, weird, and creepy emails from potential *never going to happen suitors.

Like this one I just received from a 58 year old man. He writes;
 "Very interested because you are attractive, young , live short drive north and HAVE NO BAGGAGE Dont know if you are aware that 90% of the women on this site are divorced usually with kids and many with kids at home In any event I am a civil engr working as a Const Mgr in NYC but live in a condo (alone) in Westchester. Also have a condo in Florida but dont seem to get there enough to enjoy it and hopefully that will change shortly when I meet the right person. I am a widower trying to establish a relationship with someone like you to share and enjoy all that life offers. Keep fit by working out at a local club Also ran NYC marathon 3 times a few years ago. Once owned a thoroughbred but it became a tax problem so now enjoy Saratoga in summer and Gulfstream in winter when down in Florida love to cruise and enjoy the beaches, dancing, dinners, shows and even the Casino. Point is I know how and when to have fun as long as I am with the right person Would really like to meet you for dinner and/or a few drinks or at least start a chat how abou it Rudy"

Unfortunately, I've decided not to write Rudy back. But if I had, it would read something like this;
"Hi Rudy, I was not aware that there are a lot of female divorcees on this website. Probably because I am in the market for a man. Also, it's great that you live alone and have a condo in FL. My Grandpa also likes Florida this time of year. You and my dad have a lot in common, you're both 58 and single, but my dad has a kid who lives at home. Which is me, it's still a pretty expensive economy and taxes are high on other stuff besides horses, so I will remain at home. I'm sure you killed it when you ran the NYC marathon a "few years ago", you probably were very fit in the 70s. I hope you find a young lady that suits your need for a fun lifestyle with the right person"

Another email that will go unanswered is this one...
"Hi how are you?. Merry Christmas first off to you and your family Well here goes nothing, If you are looking for a good guy, smart, very successful, great job, smell nice, fresh breath, funny, and I can run really really fast then I am your guy. I promise, You would be very happy if you met me. I really am a nice guy. My mom told me so. In fact, I was given the "Great Guy" award for top boyfriend prospects in America. Made up of all single or divorced womens moms (SDWM Foundation) across the country. Not well know but very powerful lol. I can show you the plaque. Hope to hear from you and again Merry Christmas. 
John" 
Sorry "my mom told me I'm a good guy" John, but my mom tells me I'm a Princess. Yet I still don't have a tiara. And you lost me at really fast runner, cause who really cares how fast you can run..

Here's one of my personal favorites;
"OMG YOUR PICTURES ARE BEAUTIFUL 

Hi there I have been trying to upload a picture but it keeps rejecting the size I cropped it shrunk it an won't upload. I can send one through my cell for you. But what I want to say is after reading your profile an looking at your photos I must say you are very very attractive and just seeing your smile made me want to email you. You must really look at the photos you posted an see how beautiful you really are. It just makes me think why someone like you would be single. Lol we all have past an should not look back but look at the future. Anyway let me know if I can send u my pic an hopefully take you out for a night whether it be dinner a movie whatever as long as I could see you by my side."

I actually gave him my email address cause he sent 3 follow up emails on wanting to send a pic to me to "see if we click". Looks aren't everything to me, but I needed to see what this weirdo looked like. Well, after opening his email...maybe looks are more important to me than I thought...

The Match.com experience hasn't been all weirdos. I've met a few really great guys and went on some good dates. I just haven't met "my match" yet.



*Mis-Matched

originally posted on 3.3.15

I've learned something pretty major after being on Match.com for about 3 months...men can't read. I don't mean that in a bitchy way, I mean that in a very matter of fact way. They don't read the typos in their emails/profiles, they don't read what my profile, and they certainly don't read what I'm looking for.  The point of taking the time to fill out the "My Match" section is to be clear about what you are looking for. Most men answer this section with every answer possible, but us gals, we really think about this part. Which leads me to the first email of the day...but before I dive into that let me refresh your memory on what I'm looking for in My potential match.

Age: 28 to 34
Height: 5'10 to 7'
Body Type: About average, athletic and toned
Eyes: Blue, Brown, Green, Hazel
Hair: Black, Light brown, Dark brown, Blonde
Smoke: No Way
Drink: Social Drinker
Occupation: no answer
Income: No Preference
Relationship: Never Married
Have kids: No
Want kids: No Preference
Ethnicity: White/Caucasian
Faith: No Preference
Languages: English
Education: No Preference

So now that we are caught up on that, the following email comes from a 39 year old who is 5'8. Sigh.

"Hey I spit my time between the city and upstate by you. So many great places in *where I live* (which he spelt incorrectly) like *lists 5 places in my town and then 2 in another town* Would you like to grab a drink at the roundhouse sometime?- Mark"

"Hi Mark. How long have you been a rapper? I'm an aspiring rapper myself. I spit all the time. My flows are getting pretty good. "

Next up comes from a 41 year old who has a child.

"Hello there....I read your profile and thought I'd send you a quick email.
You are a bit younger than I, but all of my friends are younger than me as well....they need to be to keep up. I get guesses in the late 20s all the time...and am very athletic.
I like that fact you love hockey...King Henrik ;) 
I like to watch myself.
Send me an email if you would like to talk more...
Derrick"

"Hi Derrick, I don't even know where to start. Having all younger friends as a man at 41 means one of two things. 1-your immature and 2-no one your age wants to hang out with you because of #1. You would've gotten points-big points-if you said Nasher instead of Hank. You like to watch yourself doing what? Bro-ing out with your young friends, lifting at the gym...or did you mean you like to watch hockey too? If so, no need to make it another sentence. I'm confused about what more YOU would like to talk about. You didn't ask me anything or give me anything to really respond to. You and your ego can have a great time watching yourself. Ps. your name is spelt dumb."

Here's one from a 38 year old who's 5'6.
"Hey hey hey I just got to say something that you probably hear all the time. Just beautiful. Just beautiful. Want to get to know this confidant non douche bag guy then just wink back and our lives just might change. ;)"

My response would be short and simple.
"I'm good. Thanks."


Here's to another week of online dating, where I will continue my search to find my Prince Charming...or at least a dude that can read. Xo!

And still not Matched yet...
originally posted on 3.10.15

Sometimes I just browse thru profiles on Match.com like some may browse for shoes. You occasionally click on ones that you know you won't like, but you need a second look to see if you are seeing it correctly. This next email comes from a dude that I looked at his profile (& did nothing, no wink, no like..aka not interested.) But here's what he pitched my way.


"Make me laugh . I 
challenge you to a joke off 
?!!! Then a cheer competition . What's up 
now ?!?!!!!!!! :p "

No. Just no.

Up next comes an email from probably one of the strangest looking guys I've ever seen.

"Hey! You sound fun. I don't know if I've ever heard a girl say "I love makeup and girly things."...and not trying to sound like a valley girl. But then you said you write a style blog, so I believe you. That sound pretty awesome. 
Not that I'm into makeup and girly stuff, but I'm definitely into people doing their own thing and carving out their own place in the world. That's awesome.
I bet you and I don't have a whole lot in common on the surface things; but for some reason, I have a feeling you and I would find a deeper commonality.
Plus you're a total babe and probably out of my league, but if I never said/typed anything to you I'd never know anyway....so BAM...do with me what you will, Universe. -Marty"

Hi Marty. Here's a fun fact about me, when I'm extremely uncomfortable I start to sound like a valley girl. No like really, I do! I'm glad to know you aren't into makeup or girly things, cause well that'd just be weird. You are certainly correct when you say that we don't have a lot in common. I'm not saying that to be funny, I'm 100% serious. I took a peek at your profile. We literally have nothing in common. Well, we have one thing in common-we're both single. Did you really say you are looking for someone to do "even a little harmless crime here and there"?? Last I checked, Bonnie and Clyde didn't end well. Well, the '03 Bonnie and Clyde are still going strong-I see you, B and Hov. I bet you don't even know who that is, huh? Yeah, you said it best-nothing in common. Thanks for the compliment, I've never been called a "total babe" then again, I was under 13 for most of the 90's. You can thank the Universe, you ended up on my pretty cool blog, and I know about 4 people, 5 if we remind my Aunt that will read this...lots of luck finding your cellmate!

And last, but certainly not least. I bring you this.

"Equal parts animal lover. 1 dog and 2 cats.....I have to ask the important question..do they like each other? ;)"

I know for sure that I am not the only person to have ever a dog and cats living together. Why is this such a hot topic?? Anyways, for your reading pleasure, I actually wrote this fella back. Here's how the convo went...
Him: "Equal parts animal lover. 1 dog and 2 cats.....I have to ask the important question..do they like each other? ;)"
Me: "Not at all. It's like the Hunger Games here daily."
Him: "Oh boy lol :) how long have you had the little ones for?"
Me: "Nothing little about them. Cats are both 20 pounds each and the dog is a Great Dane."
Him: "I use the term "little" as a cute term...doesn't necessarily mean their light weight :) they sound great :)" "You have beautiful eyes"
Me: "Thanks. They are. I'm planning on getting a llama this summer. Do you have any pets?"
Him: "At the moment I don't but it is definitely in my future. My job does not give me the amount of time it takes to give them enough attention. I used to do cat rescue a while back :)"
Me: "Animals are great! But unfortunately, if you don't have enough time for a pet, you don't have enough time for me. Good luck to you!"

In real life, it's always harmonious here, okay for the most part. And none of my babies are even close to 20 lbs. And for what it's worth, I felt bad for leading him on for those short 10 minutes...so Karma, if you're listening to me, I'm sorry.

This was one of my fave topics to post about. I didn't end up continuing online dating cause it was a complete bust, but I did get some great material out of it. Let me know if you have any horrible online dating experiences, we can trade war stories together, xo!