Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Must Love Dogs.

Today is another round of Match.com strangeness. Before I start, I need to be clear about something...I'm just sharing the funny/bad/weird with you. There has been good, and maybe I'll share those stories at some point, but for now, funny it is. Okay let's get started.

Email's one & two come from the same guy.
January 11th: "Hello Cheer Girl Where were you when I was playing QB in college damnit?? "
February 9th: "Hello Blogger. Dogs and cats living together? The end of the world IS near! Are they friends? I'd ask to see your blog but you probably want to remain anonymous... I was a cheerleader for 2 weeks in high school between football and baseball seasons. It was almost as embarrassing as playing the clarinet in the marching band at halftime while I was playing in the football game! So I quit. PS-is it just me or does Starbucks coffee taste burnt? Or were you drinking tea?"

Okay, so at first glance they aren't terrible emails. I mean, I've gotten worse* week 1 week 2. But here's why I didn't write back....1-I don't find him attractive at all. 2-well, see 1. Online dating as made me realize how shallow I am, but here's what my faux reply would be.

"Hi there. First let me start out by saying, when you were in college, I was cheering in HS. So there's the answer to the first question. Moving on to email #2, plenty of people have dogs and cats living together. I'm sure people probably have cats and mice for pets too, or cats and birds, or dogs and lizards. Not that dogs and lizards don't get along, but my point is, the Mayans had it wrong in 2012, so hopefully you have it wrong now. I happen to like living here on planet Earth. Pointing out that you are a quitter isn't hot. But to make you feel better, I quit clarinet too. Well, I'm going to quit something else now and that's this email. Catch ya later quitter. Oh and PS-it was a fancy latte that didn't taste burnt at all, so just you."

Next up is this short, but quick email that's FULL of red flags.
"Hey, how are you? I hate the snow so much lol. But anywhoot, I see that we are in the same city and I was wondering if we could possibly get to know each other better? If so, call me or txt me at "his number here". I would to hear from you!"

Just so we are clear, I copy and paste this bad boys, so I don't correct when they forget words..

"Hello. I'm good, thanks. I'm actually a little confused, you paid $43 to send me your phone number without knowing my name? So what I gather is, you thought I was attractive from my pictures and want to "get to know me" aka my vagina. Which that's nice, thanks, but no thanks. There's an app that you probably would really enjoy, it's called Tinder. You can download it now in the App Store."

Last but certainly not least...2 from this guy.
Email #1: "I would like to take you to Cracker Barrel for breakfast."
Email #2: "Hello, my name is Jeff and I live in _____. I really liked what you wrote in your profile and I'm interested in hearing a little more about you. I'd like to hear about your blog. Maybe we have some common ground. I enjoy outdoor activities and I'm not definitely not a couch potato. Of course it's been 12 degrees so the couch is nice too. Can you say Netflix? Maybe some discovery or history channels. Maybe a Devils/Rangers game (yeah, I know we suck) I like animals and have a cat myself. I know PK pretty well. I've been to the "local place" and the "another local place". I'm a good listener and would want to hear where you have traveled and where you might want to go. I love a good conversation. To be honest, your profile put a smile on my face. I'd would like a chance to return the favor. Maybe we can chat sometime. Bye for now (insert weird emoji here) Jeff"

Sigh.

"Hi Jeff, I hate to start off on the wrong foot, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the one for you. We don't have any common ground. I am a couch potato. In fact, I ate every meal today on my snow day in bed. So maybe I'm actually a bed potato..I hate the history channel and discovery. And I despise the Devils. That's great that you've been to two of the most common places in PK, I'm sure whatever rock band or WWE event you saw there was awesome. Or maybe you were at the O-Town concert I went to way back in '02? Anyways, I think it's great you give out the topics of conversation. And I'm glad I could make you smile, insert smile emoji here. Good luck! Wait, ps. here's a helpful hint-change your user name. Calling yourself "mingsdaddy" is misleading to someone who doesn't want someone with kids like myself, being you have no kids. Cute cat btw. pps. from what I hear, Cracker Barrel bfast is amazing, so good call, but still not gonna happen."