Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match...

Here's another installment of Match.com emails and my responses that don't get sent. I just want to make it clear of what exactly I'm looking for, cause there are some people-ie; the guys below- that just don't get it. I am in the market for a guy who likes sports in the age range of 28-34 (okay, I'll go 26-36 if he's my soulmate) and is over 5'10...

Our first, second, third, & fourth email come from 'bakedpizza42o' age 27. He writes;

Jan 16th: "Why is it every older chick says no"
Jan 17th: "She said no"
Jan 18th: "If ur on here so much u should try me"
Jan 23rd: "Are we only left with each other"

My response would be something along the lines of;

"Hey there stonerboy. Here's a couple of tips for the next time you email an "older chick". 1-don't call her an "older chick" cause no one wants to be reminded of their age. 2-why not start the email off with something like, I don't know, maybe "Hey, I'm _____." 3-don't insult someone. You emailed me 3 days in a row with no response, maybe you're the one who is always on here. 4-please pull the camera way from your face on your next selfie. 5-we could be the last two people on earth and it still wouldn't happen. Lots of luck!"

Here's two emails from a 46 year old gentleman, that came within 2 minutes of each other;

"Hi like to take you out for a few drinks and dinner so let me no I am building 3 more new houses near *my town and can meet you where you like hope to hear from you Thank you."
"Sweet I would like to take you to dinner thanks."

Showed my dad this one, here's what he said:

"Give me a break." "What the hell is wrong with some people?" "Who does he think he is Carlos Santana??" You're 30, he's 46..."

This gem comes to you from 'all_u_erv_needed';

"Hello there, Merry Christmas I'm Chris, nice to meet you! I'm not from the area, but am in *town across the river for a few days am here fairly often and would like to do something fun! If you are interested in hanging out with a fun, interesting guy with no pressure, since I'll be going home in a few days, you should let me know ;) hopefully I'll hear from you soon!"

This response should come as no surprise..;

"Merry Christmas! Did you open the wrong app? Last I checked this isn't Tinder...but anyway, that's great that you are occasionally in the area and like fun stuff. Cause that's definitely why my manager/best friend paid $43 for me to have this membership. But anyway, you are pretty cute-I would've totally swiped left for you on the Tinder-if I had one, cause again, I am only looking for occasional fun with no pressure! Let me know if you're in the area for Easter, by then I may just want a random hookup ;)"